The Mudville Gazette
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Thursday, May 01, 2003


Hello infidels dogs! It's Ooglay again talking from his new location in Hollywood writing for American infidel pig web page. I may report on Hollywood infidel for a while. Life style is very much like Ooglay's lifestyle in Baghdad before your bombings were keeping everyone up nights and they were all becoming too very grouchy for politeness, even when Qusay's people increased the street beatings. No one is being beaten in street in Hollywood. All the big stars are slappings the servants when they want but they do it inside the mansions. Is like Baghdad like that. They say to Ooglay "Ooglay, we'd slap 'em in the street if there weren't so many of them." And although Qusays people could nail someone's tongue to a 2x4 anytime anywhere I guess that is one differents to Hollywood, because Hollywooders only beat their slaves when no one is looking. Also they don't call their slaves "slaves." One big famous star did show me nail gun though. He did some shooting at Gardener in yard but only winged him because Mr Big Star is drinking too much. He said to Gardener "hey, you be glad it's been six months since rehab, Jose!" Ooglay is not getting joke but knows it is joke because everyone is laughing. Ooglay was laughing too but only at stupid drunk bigstar's horrible aim. Then someone says "Too bad you won't let Heston near the place, Marty, he could hit that guy six times from here even with immigration chasing him!" And some other big guy says "Yea Heston could nail him!" and some other big star says "yea but you could nail the maid maybe" and everyone is laughing again. So maybe even though I am not getting all the jokings I am how you say "hitting it off" with Hollywood types pretty good!

And hey! You Americans all being driven in Limosines! Or fancy cars driving! Uday always loved his Hollywood visits and now I am seeing he was not lying. Ooglay was picked up from airport by driver for big Hollywood studio in longest limo ever for my riding. Riding through los Angeles Ooglay is thinking is exactly like Baghdad except less active looters here and no Marines. I was disapointed after hearing so much not to see Los Angeles police beating up some poor people. Qusay got his ideas from reading in your newspapers about the police in your country. But Ooglay has not seen this once. Maybe beatings story is big lie to make your Police seem like tough guys? I am thinking you would not have so much crime if your police would give some fisted poundings the like of which your criminals survive only if Allah truly wishes them life. Also I am noticing everyone has guns. So how could your police give proper beatings to people who are having guns? And the limo driver when I am asking him says "I wish I could get beaten by the cops. You would be driving the car if I could get some of that kind of bread." Then he is laughing but Ooglay doesn't get your jokings.

Now we pull up to gate. Is just like Glorious Father's palaces gate, and I see it is made by same company. Now I am laughing and saying "You know these won't stop M1?" but driver is not getting my humors either. So he drives past big mansion who belongs to a singer and pulls up to "guest house:" in back. Is bigger then most houses in city but not as big as the smallest of my family palaces. One in Paris is not much bigger though.

Inside is decorated like Uday's love palace. Big posters and lava lamps, lots of color. "We had it redone after we saw the pictures in the paper. Uday is chic in Hollywood now. Everyone's doing it this way now, but I was first!" This is saying of famous lady singer who is living in big mansion. I am thinking this is her house. Even though she has husband it seems like she is how you say "wearing all of his pants in her family." They are both meeting me when I am getting out of car but all talking is her. She is even making husband carry big duffle bag from Afghanistan into house. Her house. She says something about somebody waiting for the Afghan delivery. Then she smacks driver for taking too long. Then she is talking to me but I am avoiding looking at her giant nose. "I hope you don't get all hung up on me being a jew." She is saying "because I feel more kinship with you people. I know what it's like to be oppressed by an evil American president." But how can I hate someone who recreates Uday's love palace right here in America? Then she is saying "So if you don't mind being my 'Cato Caelin' I'll try to be a better host then O.J.!" So now I am not knowing whjat Cato is and like I am saying, I did not think I would be back in the love palaces so soon. And I am jet lagging and really not in your mood. So the only thing I could think to be saying was "Lady, fix the nose or get a veil, then we can be doing some talking about your roll playing, okay?"

I mean sheesh, give me time for a shower at least, yes? Allah save me from these Infidel pigs.