The Mudville Gazette
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Monday, May 12, 2003


Hello America. Here again is Ooglay. I am seeing now that my family who now are enjoying the coming of summer on French Riviera are forgotten thank you very much. Uday is big hit in Dance clubs in Europe and Qusay is negotiating with Russians for some job with their secret police interrogations branch. Some of the doubles are now here in Hollywood and have bodyguard jobs with big stars. This is new fad in Hollywood. Have Hussein lookalike doing bodyguarding for you. Stupid Hollywoods pay big bucks. Crazy America! Also personal trainer. Big new fad is Hussein workout! This is incredible, all people take heavy whip, chains, and stick and hit big dummy. Not real person, dummy is stuffed and looks like Georgeboosh or Romsfield or Dickscheneys. Then take turns hoisting each other in air with rope and pulleys. No hitting though. Good for biceps. Jean Garflow told me is "biggest thing since Tae bo". I don't know tae bo. But I know stupid when I see it. But I also see full wallet.

Okay, so speaking of Jean Garflow I didn't yet to be telling about our datings. Well, it is just one time. Like I am telling you and I swear on my mothers purity this is true, I am hot thing in Hollywood now. Dating Ooglay is biggest boost for social climbing of Hollywood stars. Is okay but Ooglay does not date the men stars, even though some say that is meaning Ooglay is homophobo. I don't know this word. Then some say it is meaning you are "hater." So I say "like hating Georgeboosh or the kurds, yes?" And they say yes only a hater hates things that should not be hated. So I say oh, like if they hated France? And they say "yes, now you catching on" but I still say, okay, I'm not hating you but if you don't step away from my prescence I will be killing you. And I don't care what is Mash.

But hey, I am trying to tell of Jean Garflow. I don't know if I am having her name right. I don't care. She is just another talking too much person. Is late last week. We are eating and she is talking about other people in restaurant. "I hate this restaurant," she whines, "I mean, it's a wonderful, wonderful place for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages...” and on and on and on with her mouth shoved full of food and no chance to slow down eating or talking. And I am thinking I've heard it all before, you know? And Vin Diesel is not machine, is her ex boyfriend? And she is saying something about no WMD and I am thinking "My family is weapon of mass destruction you psycho French Whore, but saying nothing and now is time for paying for dinner and go to Lakers game and she says "okay here is the deal. You pay for dinner but if Lakers win I will pay you back and if Spurs win you get nothing." I say "okay" she says "hah! You are stupid! Lakers have no chance. They suck on wood this year. I wish I was wrong! I would be so willing to say I'm sorry, I hope to God that I can be made a buffoon of, that people will say you were wrong, you were a fatalist, and I will go to you on my knees on cut glass and say, hey, you were right, I shouldn't have doubted you!"

So I think okay, maybe I should go now but hey! I've never seen soccer played with hands so I go on to game. And before game Jean takes me to locker room and when she goes out Ooglay is telling them what my family does to losing teams. "Hey, you not so tall after we dip you in chipper shredder okay big guy?" And yes Lakers win! But suddenly Jean is all about quiet. Not saying anything, you know? Hey, something about cash? Knee walking? No, suddenly doesn't remember. Changes the subject to her new TV show coming and how she needs to go home get "beauty rest". I am thinking is time to stop at Ooglay's "happy place" on way home but then remembering this is not Baghdad.

Just closest thing to it in America.