|The Mudville Gazette|
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
RUMSFIELD ANNOUNCES REVERSAL OF OPERATION IRAQUI FREEDOMThe Pentagon (IP News RHSJESTER reporting)
Donald Rumsfield stunned the world today with a declaration acknowledging that he has been wrong all along and while he admits there is no way he can compensate for his blunders he nevertheless is committed to a maximum effort to undo the damage caused by the US.
"Well I really blew it-Tom Dasgusting , Nancy Purileosi, and the Arab Suicide Murderers Benevolent Association were right all along. The Iraquis were not sufficiently grateful and our war efforts dragged on interminably due to insufficient numbers of troops. Also, in fairness to Saddam, from what we've seen he wasn`t such a bad guy after all-just as the media and the democrats said. So I apologize for the inconvenience to Saddam and to his regime, as well as to our good and loyal friends the French,Germans, and Russians.
To make amends, we've decided to put Iraq back to where it was 30 days ago. Our plan is basically like running a movie in reverse, Following are the steps we will take:
1 The Marines will rebuild Saddams palaces. The refrigerators will be restocked by taking back our humanitarian assistance food from the ungrateful Iraqui people
2 The Republican guard will be allowed to reform around Baghdad. If transportation is needed, the marines will provide it.
3 Sadaams statue will be rebuilt in 24 karat gold and remounted by the Iraquis who destroyed it. They will be required to be barefoot at all times.
4 The torture chambers will be restaffed by the original professional staffs. The Iraquis who were being tortured when the coalition barged in should return to their last torture chamber. If the chamber is not useable, they can attend one in an alternative location if they have a note from their jailer.
5 Coalition soldiers will be expected to leave Iraq in the same order as they arrived. Paratroopers who parachuted in will be lifted by crane back to their helicopters.
6 The children's center inhabitants must be transferred back from their homes to the children's chamber. We are negotiating with the Revolutionary Guard to allow them to bring their teddy bears with them.
7 Priority on the roads should be given to key returning Iraqui personnel in the following order- Sadaam, the clerics, Peter Arnett, Peter Jennings, and our own American rascal Iraqui cheerleader, Mr Jordan.
We truly hope that by taking these steps we will regain the admiration of the anti-war protesters, the Arab street, and most of all the appeasement wing of the Democratic Party."
For IP News, RHSJESTER reporting