|The Mudville Gazette|
Friday, April 25, 2003
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DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF DOOMSDAY WEAPONWashington (IP News, RHSJESTER Reporting)
The Defense Department has announced development of a new weapon that can be used on the battlefield as well as on the domestic front to protect mankind from harm by dangerous advisaries. The new weapon, which is a modification of the long used and highly successful heat seeking anti aircraft missle, is known as the "Sidewinder Stupidity Seeking Missle", or the SSSM for short.
The SSSM was field tested in Iraq against the Elite Republican Guard and proved to be highly successful. The missle can be fired in the general direction of a target without precise aiming; the guidance system locates the stupidest person in the vicinity, enters this person from the rear, and then detonates.
Announcement of the SSSM has triggered outrage from Democratic Party leaders. Tom Daschle noted that "..domestic use of this new weapon could result in unintended deaths of hundreds or even thousands of people, primarily those registered in our party…" Nancy Pelosi has demanded immediate development of anti-SSSM missles for immediate deployment to the San Francisco area. All Democratic Presidential candidates have signed a statement stating that this doomsday weapon "..is another attempt by the Bush administration to stifle dissent and intimidate our candidates, thereby effectively canceling the 2004 election".
Not surprisingly the greatest outcry has come from the mainstream media. The Presidents of ABC,CBS,NBC,CNN,MSNBC, The New York Times, and the Washington Post issued a joint proclamation that "..this weapon will stifle free speech and prevent us from performing our usual in depth analysis of the news.." Curiously, the proclamation was not signed by other networks or newspapers.
The SSSM will be field tested in the US next week. The Defense Department has suggested that Americans protect themselves by not standing too close to known liberals during the next seven days.
Contributed to the Mudville Gazette by RHSJester