|The Mudville Gazette|
Saturday, April 19, 2003
DEM PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS TO DONATE 20% OF THEIR VOTES TO SHARPTON(America IP News) In a bold move yesterday the thirty-seven current Democratic Presidential candidates, although busy with their own campaigns, announced in a joint statement that each would donate 20% of whatever votes they may receive in the primaries to the Rev Al Sharpton, spiritual leader of the Democratic party and candidate '04.
Bill Terwilliger, whom you've never heard of but who none-the-less thinks he'd be a damn fine Democratic President, released this statement: "We feel, in the interest of diversity, balance, and a level playing field, that we should make this gesture to Reverend Sharpton. As a black man and victim of generations of oppression he did not enjoy the same privileges as we did growing up, and those people have been historically disenfranchised, although mostly by Republicans. Although we don't know him we are sure we would like him if we knew him or someone like him, I mean black people. Also this will reinforce our commitment to affirmative action, and should increase both our standing in public opinion and the number of total votes we get, based on surveys with important focus groups at a local mall."
Neither Mr. Terwilliger or any of the other 36 Democratic candidates would address the fact that this virtually ensures Rev Sharpton his party's nomination. "If that is so, and I'm not saying it is" Mr. Terwilliger added "I think I'd certainly appreciate the Vice Presidential nomination. As VP I could possibly discover where that famous undisclosed location is and reveal it to the people who have a right to know..."
Carol Mosely Braun, whose web site has announced an unnamed Democrat has already beaten Bush in a poll, said "No. Uh uh! He wants my votes he can get up off his lazy _____ ___ and get ‘em! Ms Braun refused to divulge the name of the hypothetical winning Democrat. touching off a round of concerned speculation among candidates and the media, along with intense debate on the meaning of the word 'hypothetical'.
The Rev Sharpton was unavailable for comment. However, a spokesman for the campaign stated "That's wonderful. We accept the party's nomination, and we call on the Republican Party candidate, whoever he or she may be, to make a similar reconciliatory gesture!"